Maybe it was the caffeine...

Upon hearing of my discovery of caffinated mints, by boss responded with "Something tells me you don't need any more caffeine." I am pretty sure there are two things I am known for at work, one would be my iPhone. It is my constant companion for good music, email updates, and staying sane between taking phone calls for the county. I have even brought a few coworkers over to the Mac side, and that's not counting the people I talked into iPads.

The second thing I am known for is my love of Diet Coke. Some people wear bracelets, I carry a can of Diet Coke. It is not only stylish, it is delicious.
I tried to cut back.
Once or twice a year I will give it up for around 3 days and spend the entire time tired, achey and generally unpleasant. Yes it is my vice. It is also delicious and when you are having an awful day can seem like the only constant in your life. What is that you say? There are other constants besides Diet Coke? Well at least there are no others of the refreshing and delicious variety.
This past month has been the most stressful of my life.Yet I would also safely say this is the happiest time of my life. Stats homework, working full time, planning a wedding and needless drama are all making me feel like I am slowly loosing my mind.
It was suggested by my pastor that in preparation for marriage we start praying once a day together (Yes that other constant in life I spoke of was Jesus...a bit cheesy I know). This is something I have been wanting to do for some time so I decided to get over my fear of praying out loud and give this a try.
It has been a great experience and a really nice way to connect at the end of typically hectic and stressful days.
This past week I have been waking up feeling refreshed and ready to take on the world. (I have also taken my espresso machine out of storage)
I was so excited about this and thought "Wow! Praying has given me energy and a positive additude! If Jesus can make me wide awake at 7am, well he can do anything".

Funny thing was.... I had this thought as I was preparing my now morning ritual sugar free hazelnut latte with two shots of espresso! :-0

So in other words...I require lots of compliments?

Pre-marital counseling. Those two words are enough to make anyone nervous.
Will I be grilled about past "relationships"?
Will I be told "YOU ARE UNFIT TO MARRY!"?
Will I be made to feel like a failure at life to be on marriage #2 at 24?

Face it...Everyone has insecurities. Everyone.
Whether you like it or not, there are things you would rather your pastor not know, or for some people, even their partner.
As pretty much anyone who has met me more than a few times can tell you, shy/closed off/private is something that I am not.
Just 8 months ago I stood in front of three different church services to tell the story of how I came to know Christ. I didn't think anything I shared was particularily shocking, but I could tell by the looks on some faces and the response I received that this was not something that people were used to.

Perhaps this is why I expected judgement when meeting with the pastor to discuss my plans to marry. So often people hide their fears, past experiences, or even what makes them tick. There is this overwhelming need in our society to be accepted, that people often forsake letting others know the real them.

Ever post something on Facebook a tad too personal and receive the response "I can't believe you shared that!?"

Yes this is what I am referring too. It's often when we are struggling the most that we need the most support from our community, yet this is when people feel the most afraid to open up.

Counseling turned out to be nothing to fear. No judgement, no probing overly personal questions. There was actually just one question...How does Christ effect our lives? But we were sitting in our pastor's office, so this wasn't exactly shocking. I was put on the spot and rambled like I usually do in that situation, but I'm very glad I went.

In that one hour I learned so many great tools to help our marriage down the road.
So I suppose this is my shameless plug for recomending a pre-marital class. (I will call it a class due to the social stigma of counseling *GASP!*)

Seeing as we are both complete iPhone junkies we ended up downloading the "Five Love Languages" App while waiting for a parade at Disney.
Taking the quiz, I found many of the questions to be a bit confusing. "Do you prefer watching a movie or cuddling?" Well...I certainly don't enjoy watching a movie while sitting 3 feet apart.
"Do you prefer holding hands or going for walks?" I tend to think the two go hand in hand (GAH! BAD PUN!)
Over all I think this quiz is the most important step anyone could take to understand their partner better and to enhance their relationship. On the Five Love Languages website http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ it went on to reveal that your top two love languages are often the things you complain to your partner about.

So why not save yourself dozens of fights and simply take the quiz together?
I'm so glad that I did.


By the way....I'm all about "Words of Affirmation" apparently.
Also "Physical Touch"...But if there was a love language of stangers and the general public, my primary love language would be "Personal Space".

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Shelving books in the 000-300's on an almost daily basis I come across a variety of "interesting" self help books, new age, religion, and sociology books. I have always been drawn to this subject, perhaps by my own constant striving for self-improvement. A month or so ago I first saw the book "Lies Young Women Believe". My first reaction was to hide the book so no "young women" would be forced to read it. Glancing through the title I saw many good points on how society judges women on their looks and discards them as individuals. Yet I saw several passages and "lies" about marriage being a priority over a career, even attending college, the book says there are lies saying you could choose to not have children and be happy. How preposterous!
Perhaps it is because I have experienced first hand the downfall of not being pickier in the marriage department and not "finding myself" before making that jump? The concept that you HAVE to be married and have children to have worth is exactly why young women are so afraid to be alone that they will commit to anyone to avoid the dreaded label of single in our society.
It is a stretch to call my current position a career, but it gives me a sense of self and value knowing that I am providing a service to society (do hookers say the same thing?)
Perhaps the reason I take these types of books so personally is that I have seen my own mother work so hard to obtain a masters degree, while raising a young child, and managing to teach college. And yes, my brother is perhaps the most well adjusted child I have ever seen.
My coworker told me today that I had a great role model for my education and career goals, and I realized that I couldn't agree more.
The most memorable conversations I had in my childhood with my mom involved the question "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
I typically answered "Popsicle flavor inventor" (Age 5) "Dinosaur bone digger" (Age 6) "Radio DJ" (12) "Rock star!" (13) "Lawyer" (14) "Avant Garde Jazz Saxophonist" (17) "Artist" (18) "Biological Anthropologist" (19) "Chef" (20)  "Make up artist" (21)
Then my dreams just kind of died for a few years there. Perhaps I never picked a realistic career...Perhaps I thought I could never achieve these goals so I should just give up?
In my mind, society/the media told me "you are worthless if you are single". That is the lie that "they" want you to believe. I have never felt society was pushing me to have a career.

I think people found my level of excitement out of having a cubicle (OK, so it's not really a cubicle as it only has 2 walls) a bit creepy. To me having a desk, having coworkers to gossip and have (sometimes pretentious) conversations with gives me a sense of self that I don't think I could find anywhere else.
I literally gave up on working and having a career at 21, and I have never been happier to be employed.

My low level job is symbolic of so many things in my life that I have worked so hard to achieve over the last few years. Never did I think I could work full time (in addition to going to school and planning a wedding? Crazy!)

I love hearing stories of women who are going back to school later in life and they make me so happy. Remember the story of the 80 year old woman that went back to high school? Yeah...She rocked!

It breaks my heart when I see young girls go as brides for Halloween. If I ever have a daughter, hopefully she will go as an astronaut/high powered attorney/ninja.
When my Mom asked me as a child what I wanted to be when I grew up, I am pretty sure "Wife" was never an answer. When I was a child, I tended to view marriage as something that just happened naturally when you got older...Like puberty I guess? Grow up, get breasts, get husband? There was never an idea that you would one day fall madly in love and decide to spend your life with someone...it was this assumption that you just got bored of dating so you settled for someone.

Yes my ideas on love, marriage, having a career have changed drastically in the last 2 years. Yes I am ambitious. One of those women "those books" warn you about. The kind of woman who thinks she can have it all and make a difference in the world.

 I wake up each day thanking God that I have the opportunity to do so.

And no one said it would last...

It's closing in on my first year as a Christian. Funny enough the anniversary itself falls on October 27th, next Wednesday. This is the same day that I will be going to meet with the venue to finalize a date for my wedding; where I will be marrying the man I met and fell in love with at a church young adult group 8 months ago.
The passage of time is an amazing things. It heals wounds, gives us wisdom and insight, yet in my past 12 months as a Christian I have come full circle to embrace my original outlook on the world. Yes, I am more mellow, pray regularly, attend church (when work permits) but I am not a different person. When I became "born again" (for lack of a better term) I had this image of what a Christian looked like, believed, listened to, watched, drank and probably even ate. I can safely say I wasn't very much fun to be around  those first few months.

Over the course of time it was my political beliefs that lead me to this second wave of self discovery. My voting track record (Democrat) and passion for equality (Gay rights and feminism) really forced me to examine Christians in the media.
The media *Cough* Fox News *Cough* has this way of portraying Christian as Republicans. My newly Christian self was shocked! I'm a Christian...but also a Democrat? WHAT?!?
I do not believe in judgement. I do not believe in telling others how to live their lives, yet the "left" side of the media tends to portray Christians exactly like that. Where was I supposed to get a healthy idea of what a modern liberal open minded Christian looked like?

These preconceived notions of what a Christian was supposed to be became suffocating after a while. I remember coming home from bible study in tears because divorce came up and I guess mine was not real in God's eyes because its cause did not fall into a biblically appropriate reason for divorce.
While these first 6 months of my new found faith lead to some intense internal conflict, I am glad it occurred. Anything that has happened in my past is between me and God and as far as I know, we are both cool with everything at the moment.

Meeting my fiance probably was the turning point in realizing that I could be the same person I was before (only Christian now) and people would love/accept me for that. My love of shocking people came to a quick halt when I found someone I could not shock. I no longer feel the need to regret any past bad decisions (except for maybe that one terribly located tattoo) or beat myself up over things I can not change because those things don't phase him. If I have accepted Christ into my life and started over, why would it be necessary to feel guilty for things that I can't change?

This image of what the "perfect Christian" was, was quickly shattered when we first met and talked in depth about the bands we both liked. No, I don't listen to much Christian music. Besides, my book and movie choices are far from being sold at LifeWay. Yes, I enjoy the occasional drink and don't find curse words all that offensive. Hey! I may have even once said "Planned Parenthood offers the community a great resource". That's me and always has been. Becoming a Christian does not magically plant a chip in ones brain that makes them stop enjoying movies like "The Hangover", it also didn't make me stop caring about the rights of my gay friends to marry the ones they love, the rights of women, or the fact that every American deserves affordable health care.

This may not be how the media portrays Christians, but I no longer feel the need to defend myself and I am happy with that.
I know I can't be alone out there. The vocal majority, the Evangelical movement, whatever you wish to call the outspoken Christian culture... I'm not going to fit into that mold.
It may have taken me almost a year to discover, but I have never been happier with who I am.

So I invite you friends, join me on this journey as I start a new chapter in my life.
I look forward to posts on crafting, saving money, relationships, cooking, religion, as I discover myself and learn for real this time what it means to be a wife.