Hair all about it?

"This is the longest my hair has ever been!"
My common excuse for nervous twirling of hair or stray hairs that end up on my shirts.

O.k.
So it is currently about 1.5" past my shoulders (when straightened) but I am fascinated by the fact that I can wake up late and just throw it in a ponytail before work...O.k. most mornings.
The other day I got to wondering what it would look like blue/black. Like jet black.
In fact, all pure black (level 1) hair has a tint of blue to it.
My hair has been black before, but it was very short then. I once had platinum blonde hair with a black chunk of my bangs....But never long and all black.
Would people talk to me differently? Take me more seriously? Would I become moody and sulk about the injustices in the world (more than I already do?)

I am blonde. Not just in hair color, but in spirit, in nature.
It is my secret weapon. (She is interested in social justice, feminist theory and politics? She can barely walk in heels? She has an unnatural phobia of shopping malls?)

Working in a downtown public library with a "diverse clientele", yes, it makes me a target for strange looking men with prison tattoos.
Light blonde hair gets you stereotyped. O.k. so my excessive use of the word "cute" and the fact that I refuse to be seen without makeup on probably doesn't help my case.

Once upon a time, my hair was boy short. Not in a cute Natalie Portman way either.
Someone once offered me a free sample in a grocery store by saying "Young man!"
True story.

Wow...That was an awkward stage.

Let's just say there aren't many pictures from that time period.

So what is a girl to do?

This Summer James suggested I try my natural color. I tried to mix the color as an "ashy dark blonde". It was sad. A very depressing color. In some lights it looked a little green and made me look ill.
That was some bad hair. Well, including the fact I cut my bangs wet (yes I know better than that) and they were way too short.

The wedding is 98 days away. That is not enough time for hair mistakes.
98 days is not enough time to recover from blue/black hair. And I don't exactly see that as a long term deal that I would want in pictures.

For now I will remain blonde. Fabulously light blonde.

In case you didn't hear, this summer a container of powdered bleach spontaneously burst into flames and started a fire in my bathroom under the sink. Everyone was OK, I just learned a few lessons.

1. Don't leave hazardous chemicals under the sink for extended periods of time.
2. Yes, We will put something so dangerous on our heads and around our faces.
3. Tampons, makeup bags, and cotton balls are all very flammable.

The price of beauty...

Tune in and Tune out. Or just read 1 of these?

I remember being in around 5-6th grade and my older brother and I decided to make a point about quality time spent as a family, so we constructed a graph of time spent watching TV daily by our parents.
TV has acted like a drug in the past, but honestly I am too busy to even turn on my TV most months.

Yes I turn my nose up at TV viewing most of the time. Probably because shows like 2 1/2 Men are still on the air when programs like Arrested Development are barely given a chance.

I do not want a cable box in my new apartment. We have free cable. It is more out of principal. TV puts you out of control and takes away your ability to create, interact, or even socialize. Advertising instructs you what to buy, enjoy, and even how you should feel about your own self worth.
I am sure most people hate watching TV with me because I am a chronic TV/movie talker. I feel like I am wasting time "visiting" with someone if the TV is on and there is no actual interaction.

"Oh no! Why did he do that?!?"
"This plot is terrible!"
"Really?!? REALLY!?! This editing sucks!"

And if it isn't completely rude, I will attempt to read on my iPad or check email.

Doing nothing is something that I am awful at.
Today I was stopping to think of all of the TV shows I have given a chance for James...All while asking nothing in return. Nothing.
I have a fear of suggesting movies. I practically refuse to choose the music that plays in my own car when others are with me. Fear of rejection I suppose.
James has still not seen 2 out of my 3 favorite movies. (Moulin Rouge and Rocky Horror) Although I will not subject any straight man to the former. (The other is Fight Club and we would not be together if he didn't like that before we started dating)

For someone who is so open, so blunt and overly honest...Why am I so afraid to share what is important to me? Yup, fear of rejection.

But as I said...I don't watch TV.

I read books, write, study, craft, cook, bake, walk the dog.

These activities are a bit more difficult to get ones partner involved in. I did teach James the proper way to cut an onion. I doubt he remembers.
Ok...So I still don't know why I bought a 32" flat screen and that will probably be craigslisted shortly. That would end the debate of "Should there be a TV in the bedroom?"
See:     http://tvnz.co.nz/content/650268/2856650.html   (yes the article is from New Zealand, and about people in Spain. Do you think TV addicted Americans would publish this let alone do research on it?)

So here it is...
My book selections (Of my all time favorites that changed the way I think and made me who I am today).
All I am asking for is one book. I own most of them, so just ask me nice and you can borrow one. The library? Did you know they have more than just DVDs?

-Jonathan Franzen: The Corrections, Freedom.

Both of these books changed the way I see the world in unspeakable ways. I read the last page of The Corrections about 10 times crying the whole time. It is unspeakably amazing.

Freedom combines my love of population control, the environmental concerns of mountaintop removal mining, folk rock music, frightening Republican neighbors, a liberal slant, and memoir writing. (Yes, it's THAT good ;-) REEEEAD IT!

-Mary Roach: Bonk or Stiff

All of her books are amazing, but her scientific takes on both sex and corpses (OK, not together. Necrophilia is not cool) are the most interesting. Stiff is not for the squeamish.
So yes, read Bonk. I tried to explain the book to James on our first date but just ended up making him turn bright red. It's that good.
In my words "A scientific look at sex and it's cultural/consumer driven impact on society". Did you know they make fake silicon testicles for neutered dogs for owners who are that macho? Well they do, and if you read the book your head will be filled with other useless facts.

-John Irving: Cider House Rules

I don't care if you are pro-life or choice, READ IT! Don't watch the movie, that's not the point of this list. It will change the way you look at woman's rights (and ether) forever. You will know more about how illegal abortions were preformed in the early 1900's than you ever cared to know, but there is so much more to this amazing novel.

-John Kennedy Toole: Confederacy of Dunces, Neon Bible

Bet you thought Arcade Fire came up with that title themselves?!
He died so tragically young, like most great authors, and only wrote these two books.
Confederacy of Dunces is like Catcher in the Rye, only takes place in New Orleans. Imagine if Holden left prep school, tried to write a novel moved in with his controlling mother and turned out to be a fat lazy 30 something who loves hotdogs.

Wally Lamb: She's Come Undone

An amazingly true to life book about a high school/college age woman dealing with mental illness/weight/identity issues. You want to "get me"? Save yourself from talking to me extensively and just read the book. It sounds like a young adult fluff book, but it is amazingly researched about mental health, coming of age in the 1970's, Polish Catholic culture and so well written.

SOOooo many others!

1984/Animal Farm (How are there still people that haven't read Orwell?)

Siddartha

Brave New World

Rabbit, Run (Anything by John Updike)

In Cold Blood (I love you Mr. Capote...But you gave me nightmares for weeks)

I devoured Pillars of the Earth, but I know that most people aren't willing to commit to a 1,000 page
book.

For the ladies! Hahaha

The Beauty Myth: How images of beauty are used against women

The Body Project (SOoooo good! Well if you are into feminist books on how culture and society makes young women hate themselves)

I also have a weak spot for anything Steven King, David Sedaris, Chuck Pahlaniuk, Charlaine Harris, Anne Rice, Franz Kafka, the poetry of William Blake and Paul Celan, Non-fiction books on feminist theory/woman's rights/woman's body image issues and the impact in society.


I really hope most of you were forced to read these books in high school or college, or better yet, have already picked them up on your own. So if you need a good book, perhaps one of these will interest you.

I have spent my entire life hiding from making suggestion. I just can't do it. I can tell you my opinion all day, but ask me what movie to watch and I just can't answer that. Hopefully this list will break that bad habit and perhaps you will pick one up and thank me.


<3 Emi

Your love is a song...

After about 2 weeks of shameless flirting, my now fiance and I had our first date at the Florida State Fair. Neither of us had been before, but it turned out that we were both suckers for greasy food, people watching and making sarcastic observations (I knew it was something great when he shared my excitement at the Elvis impersonator world championship). Some of the first conversations we had were about music, bands we had seen, wanted to see, or simply couldn't stand. Asked early on by a mutual friend what our deal breakers were, I am pretty sure we both responded simultaneously with "listens to Nickleback".
Prior to dating James, I was going through a pretty awful music phase. Let's just say there was plenty of angry girl music involved. But seeing as he shared my love for Wilco, Sufjan Stevens, had also seen Travis in concert, and shared my belief that Pet Sounds is the best Beach Boys album (who would disagree?!?) I was willing to ignore him turning his nose up at my owning a Lady Gaga album (I bought it before she was as famous in my defense).
There are so many awesome memories I have in regards to music and "us". He still teases me because when he picked me up for our first date (the same date that my parents dog jumped out the door and attacked him but that's another story!) he was listening to Ray LaMontagne.
Well, his car stereo was scrolling "Ray LaMo" in my defense...So I ask "Oh, Is this Ray LaMo you are listening to?"

I am shocked I made it to a second date I was so embarrassed! (Although part of that was due to the fact that an English bulldog chomped on his hand and drew blood at my house)

Ray "LaMo" is now one of my favorite artists, and as I go through iTunes to help work on our wedding playlist, I look forward to hearing "You are the best thing" that evening, as it has made it's way on to a few mix tapes of ours.

We decided against a DJ for the wedding not just because it is going to be a rather small intimate event on the beach, or because I am a control freak (maybe a little?), but because there are so many songs that have meaning to us that making our own playlist just makes sense.

There is the song on the mixtape he gave me before we started dating and I had the biggest schoolgirl crush on him (obvious to EVERYONE in our church group I think) - Kyle Andrews, Sushi

The songs from the movie we watched that kind of made us think "This is it!". We went to see The Swell Season as our first concert together. - Swell Season, Falling Slowly

Then there are the songs that I can't even begin to explain...

The album Our Endless Numbered Days, Iron & Wine
Air, Venus
Travis, Flowers in the Window
Peter Bjorn and John, Paris 2004

After we had been dating for about a month we had an "iParty" and swapped mp3s on our computers.
About 45 gigs of music was exchanged between the two of us. For a month or so we were doing an "album of the day". James would pick an album he gave me and we would both listen to it on the way to work and discuss it. There are the bands we have seen in concert, do we include them? (Swell Season, Crowded House, The National, Sufjan Stevens)

I have "my songs" too. The ones that make me go "Awwww". Do I include those?
Josh Ritter, Change of Time
Damien Rice, Blower's Daughter
She & Him, I'm gonna make it better (Yes, I can be a bit eager to please)

Music has had such an important role in our relationship. From the fake "all-star group" we created when stuck in traffic to the songs that define our relationship and who we are as a couple, there is no way to break that down into a 3 hour playlist.

There is no doubt that I am an emotional person. I listen to music 90% of my waking hours and keep a pair of spare headphones in my desk at work. I heard the old hymn "Come Thou Fount" twice in two different settings over the past 2 days and at church this morning I almost started crying.
This Spring when I gave my testimony at church and spoke at 3 services, it was the song that was played as I left the "stage".
Music ties us to our emotions and can be amazingly powerful at times. I think of the impact that these 45 gigs have had over the past 10 months since I met James and I just don't think the chicken dance would be able to explain what an amazing adventure this has been.


<3
Emi

So this is Christmas...

I cannot say that I have had a traumatic childhood experience involving a beloved commercial Christmas character, or anything as outrageous as what Augusten Burroughs describes. Nor are my childhood Christmas memories as quirky as those of David Sedaris (see his book "Christmas on Ice"). Yet I maintain this anti-Santa outlook on December 25th, which I am willing to admit does little except make me look bitter and hateful. This is not a commentary on why you should "keep Christ in Christmas!" because while it is a Christian holiday first and foremost, the majority of holiday traditions most American households seem to celebrate have no biblical pretense. In fact, based on astronomy, scientists have determined that Jesus was most likely born sometime in August.
Yes it is a bit sad that a major religious holiday has been transformed into something that is most easily identified by a man in a red suit most likely made famous in the United States by Coca Cola.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Christmas trees, giving gifts, baking, and gingerbread men, but there are many commercial aspects of the holidays that I am just not comfortable with. I am aware that this is coming from someone who put the donkey statue in place of the baby Jesus statue in the manger.
Whether one chooses to observe "Santa", Rudolph, or any other character used by Macy's to promote holiday shopping is a personal choice.

I took a class in the "Psychology of Love" last semester. It turned out to basically be a workshop for couples on relationships and how to tell if you were "in love" versus infatuated. Conveniently enough this class spanned months 3-6 of James and I dating. I can guarantee he was glad when that semester was over! A common start of a sentence for me was "I learned in love class...".
Well one of the things I did learn in "love class" was that it is a good idea to date for at least 2 birthdays before you even decide to commit.
Obviously we have decided to not take this advice, but I understand where the professor was coming from. We learned from our birthdays that we had different ideas of how to celebrate, yet why should this be any different with Christmas?

Would one person's "pro-Santa" attitude cause a problem for the "anti-Santa" person?
Does one person watch Frosty the Snowman "religiously" on Christmas eve?
What about gifts? What is appropriate?
What defines excess and greed? How do we give back to our church/community?

The answer I am learning with all of these issues is the same as any other difference in beliefs of values. A healthy dose of communication and compromise.

I am realizing the need to ask the questions,

What traditions are important to you?
How are we doing gifts?
Stockings?
What holiday foods do you enjoy?

As I grow as a Christian and try to embrace the religious meaning of the holiday season, I look forward to my first Christmas with James as we create our own holiday traditions.
There may be reindeer involved...I can't really say.

But I can say one thing...there will be snacks.

Maybe it was the caffeine...

Upon hearing of my discovery of caffinated mints, by boss responded with "Something tells me you don't need any more caffeine." I am pretty sure there are two things I am known for at work, one would be my iPhone. It is my constant companion for good music, email updates, and staying sane between taking phone calls for the county. I have even brought a few coworkers over to the Mac side, and that's not counting the people I talked into iPads.

The second thing I am known for is my love of Diet Coke. Some people wear bracelets, I carry a can of Diet Coke. It is not only stylish, it is delicious.
I tried to cut back.
Once or twice a year I will give it up for around 3 days and spend the entire time tired, achey and generally unpleasant. Yes it is my vice. It is also delicious and when you are having an awful day can seem like the only constant in your life. What is that you say? There are other constants besides Diet Coke? Well at least there are no others of the refreshing and delicious variety.
This past month has been the most stressful of my life.Yet I would also safely say this is the happiest time of my life. Stats homework, working full time, planning a wedding and needless drama are all making me feel like I am slowly loosing my mind.
It was suggested by my pastor that in preparation for marriage we start praying once a day together (Yes that other constant in life I spoke of was Jesus...a bit cheesy I know). This is something I have been wanting to do for some time so I decided to get over my fear of praying out loud and give this a try.
It has been a great experience and a really nice way to connect at the end of typically hectic and stressful days.
This past week I have been waking up feeling refreshed and ready to take on the world. (I have also taken my espresso machine out of storage)
I was so excited about this and thought "Wow! Praying has given me energy and a positive additude! If Jesus can make me wide awake at 7am, well he can do anything".

Funny thing was.... I had this thought as I was preparing my now morning ritual sugar free hazelnut latte with two shots of espresso! :-0

So in other words...I require lots of compliments?

Pre-marital counseling. Those two words are enough to make anyone nervous.
Will I be grilled about past "relationships"?
Will I be told "YOU ARE UNFIT TO MARRY!"?
Will I be made to feel like a failure at life to be on marriage #2 at 24?

Face it...Everyone has insecurities. Everyone.
Whether you like it or not, there are things you would rather your pastor not know, or for some people, even their partner.
As pretty much anyone who has met me more than a few times can tell you, shy/closed off/private is something that I am not.
Just 8 months ago I stood in front of three different church services to tell the story of how I came to know Christ. I didn't think anything I shared was particularily shocking, but I could tell by the looks on some faces and the response I received that this was not something that people were used to.

Perhaps this is why I expected judgement when meeting with the pastor to discuss my plans to marry. So often people hide their fears, past experiences, or even what makes them tick. There is this overwhelming need in our society to be accepted, that people often forsake letting others know the real them.

Ever post something on Facebook a tad too personal and receive the response "I can't believe you shared that!?"

Yes this is what I am referring too. It's often when we are struggling the most that we need the most support from our community, yet this is when people feel the most afraid to open up.

Counseling turned out to be nothing to fear. No judgement, no probing overly personal questions. There was actually just one question...How does Christ effect our lives? But we were sitting in our pastor's office, so this wasn't exactly shocking. I was put on the spot and rambled like I usually do in that situation, but I'm very glad I went.

In that one hour I learned so many great tools to help our marriage down the road.
So I suppose this is my shameless plug for recomending a pre-marital class. (I will call it a class due to the social stigma of counseling *GASP!*)

Seeing as we are both complete iPhone junkies we ended up downloading the "Five Love Languages" App while waiting for a parade at Disney.
Taking the quiz, I found many of the questions to be a bit confusing. "Do you prefer watching a movie or cuddling?" Well...I certainly don't enjoy watching a movie while sitting 3 feet apart.
"Do you prefer holding hands or going for walks?" I tend to think the two go hand in hand (GAH! BAD PUN!)
Over all I think this quiz is the most important step anyone could take to understand their partner better and to enhance their relationship. On the Five Love Languages website http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ it went on to reveal that your top two love languages are often the things you complain to your partner about.

So why not save yourself dozens of fights and simply take the quiz together?
I'm so glad that I did.


By the way....I'm all about "Words of Affirmation" apparently.
Also "Physical Touch"...But if there was a love language of stangers and the general public, my primary love language would be "Personal Space".

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Shelving books in the 000-300's on an almost daily basis I come across a variety of "interesting" self help books, new age, religion, and sociology books. I have always been drawn to this subject, perhaps by my own constant striving for self-improvement. A month or so ago I first saw the book "Lies Young Women Believe". My first reaction was to hide the book so no "young women" would be forced to read it. Glancing through the title I saw many good points on how society judges women on their looks and discards them as individuals. Yet I saw several passages and "lies" about marriage being a priority over a career, even attending college, the book says there are lies saying you could choose to not have children and be happy. How preposterous!
Perhaps it is because I have experienced first hand the downfall of not being pickier in the marriage department and not "finding myself" before making that jump? The concept that you HAVE to be married and have children to have worth is exactly why young women are so afraid to be alone that they will commit to anyone to avoid the dreaded label of single in our society.
It is a stretch to call my current position a career, but it gives me a sense of self and value knowing that I am providing a service to society (do hookers say the same thing?)
Perhaps the reason I take these types of books so personally is that I have seen my own mother work so hard to obtain a masters degree, while raising a young child, and managing to teach college. And yes, my brother is perhaps the most well adjusted child I have ever seen.
My coworker told me today that I had a great role model for my education and career goals, and I realized that I couldn't agree more.
The most memorable conversations I had in my childhood with my mom involved the question "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
I typically answered "Popsicle flavor inventor" (Age 5) "Dinosaur bone digger" (Age 6) "Radio DJ" (12) "Rock star!" (13) "Lawyer" (14) "Avant Garde Jazz Saxophonist" (17) "Artist" (18) "Biological Anthropologist" (19) "Chef" (20)  "Make up artist" (21)
Then my dreams just kind of died for a few years there. Perhaps I never picked a realistic career...Perhaps I thought I could never achieve these goals so I should just give up?
In my mind, society/the media told me "you are worthless if you are single". That is the lie that "they" want you to believe. I have never felt society was pushing me to have a career.

I think people found my level of excitement out of having a cubicle (OK, so it's not really a cubicle as it only has 2 walls) a bit creepy. To me having a desk, having coworkers to gossip and have (sometimes pretentious) conversations with gives me a sense of self that I don't think I could find anywhere else.
I literally gave up on working and having a career at 21, and I have never been happier to be employed.

My low level job is symbolic of so many things in my life that I have worked so hard to achieve over the last few years. Never did I think I could work full time (in addition to going to school and planning a wedding? Crazy!)

I love hearing stories of women who are going back to school later in life and they make me so happy. Remember the story of the 80 year old woman that went back to high school? Yeah...She rocked!

It breaks my heart when I see young girls go as brides for Halloween. If I ever have a daughter, hopefully she will go as an astronaut/high powered attorney/ninja.
When my Mom asked me as a child what I wanted to be when I grew up, I am pretty sure "Wife" was never an answer. When I was a child, I tended to view marriage as something that just happened naturally when you got older...Like puberty I guess? Grow up, get breasts, get husband? There was never an idea that you would one day fall madly in love and decide to spend your life with someone...it was this assumption that you just got bored of dating so you settled for someone.

Yes my ideas on love, marriage, having a career have changed drastically in the last 2 years. Yes I am ambitious. One of those women "those books" warn you about. The kind of woman who thinks she can have it all and make a difference in the world.

 I wake up each day thanking God that I have the opportunity to do so.

And no one said it would last...

It's closing in on my first year as a Christian. Funny enough the anniversary itself falls on October 27th, next Wednesday. This is the same day that I will be going to meet with the venue to finalize a date for my wedding; where I will be marrying the man I met and fell in love with at a church young adult group 8 months ago.
The passage of time is an amazing things. It heals wounds, gives us wisdom and insight, yet in my past 12 months as a Christian I have come full circle to embrace my original outlook on the world. Yes, I am more mellow, pray regularly, attend church (when work permits) but I am not a different person. When I became "born again" (for lack of a better term) I had this image of what a Christian looked like, believed, listened to, watched, drank and probably even ate. I can safely say I wasn't very much fun to be around  those first few months.

Over the course of time it was my political beliefs that lead me to this second wave of self discovery. My voting track record (Democrat) and passion for equality (Gay rights and feminism) really forced me to examine Christians in the media.
The media *Cough* Fox News *Cough* has this way of portraying Christian as Republicans. My newly Christian self was shocked! I'm a Christian...but also a Democrat? WHAT?!?
I do not believe in judgement. I do not believe in telling others how to live their lives, yet the "left" side of the media tends to portray Christians exactly like that. Where was I supposed to get a healthy idea of what a modern liberal open minded Christian looked like?

These preconceived notions of what a Christian was supposed to be became suffocating after a while. I remember coming home from bible study in tears because divorce came up and I guess mine was not real in God's eyes because its cause did not fall into a biblically appropriate reason for divorce.
While these first 6 months of my new found faith lead to some intense internal conflict, I am glad it occurred. Anything that has happened in my past is between me and God and as far as I know, we are both cool with everything at the moment.

Meeting my fiance probably was the turning point in realizing that I could be the same person I was before (only Christian now) and people would love/accept me for that. My love of shocking people came to a quick halt when I found someone I could not shock. I no longer feel the need to regret any past bad decisions (except for maybe that one terribly located tattoo) or beat myself up over things I can not change because those things don't phase him. If I have accepted Christ into my life and started over, why would it be necessary to feel guilty for things that I can't change?

This image of what the "perfect Christian" was, was quickly shattered when we first met and talked in depth about the bands we both liked. No, I don't listen to much Christian music. Besides, my book and movie choices are far from being sold at LifeWay. Yes, I enjoy the occasional drink and don't find curse words all that offensive. Hey! I may have even once said "Planned Parenthood offers the community a great resource". That's me and always has been. Becoming a Christian does not magically plant a chip in ones brain that makes them stop enjoying movies like "The Hangover", it also didn't make me stop caring about the rights of my gay friends to marry the ones they love, the rights of women, or the fact that every American deserves affordable health care.

This may not be how the media portrays Christians, but I no longer feel the need to defend myself and I am happy with that.
I know I can't be alone out there. The vocal majority, the Evangelical movement, whatever you wish to call the outspoken Christian culture... I'm not going to fit into that mold.
It may have taken me almost a year to discover, but I have never been happier with who I am.

So I invite you friends, join me on this journey as I start a new chapter in my life.
I look forward to posts on crafting, saving money, relationships, cooking, religion, as I discover myself and learn for real this time what it means to be a wife.